My mother wrote this while thinking about my dad. He died from cancer’s vicious touch four years ago.
by Lynda Ewell
1,460 days. That’s a lot of days. Four years worth of days. 1,460 days without you. 1,460 days without feeling your arms around me. 1,460 days without feeling your gaze on me or hearing your voice. 1,460 days. That’s a lot of days.
At first I wasn’t sure I would make it this long without you. At first I didn’t know how to deal with the loneliness, the emptiness, the uncertainty, the fear or the future. I didn’t know how to be me without you. We had 34 years together, that’s 12,410 days I was married to my best friend, my soul mate. How could I continue to go forward without you?
Since you left I’ve spent more time being scared, more time trying to be positive and more time crying then I thought was humanly possible. But I kept moving forward. One step, then another. 1,460 days. That’s a lot of days.
I’ve slowly learned how to move forward, alone. I’ve also slowly learned that I’m not alone. You may not be at my side anymore, but you are always with me. I see you when Jill hugs Summer, or introduces Carlie to a new idea. I see you when Jill calmly talks Jack out of a fear. I see you when Patrick lectures me on something he is passionate about, or in the way he spins a story. I see the best parts of you, in them. Jill’s hands are your hands. Patrick’s smile is your smile. Their straightforward, sassy, sarcastic attitude is you. They have so much of you in them. I find a lot of comfort in that. One more step forward. I’m beginning to believe I can do this. One more step. 1,460 days. That’s a lot of days.
A lot happens in 1,460 days. New memories add to the old ones. New stories mingle with the familiar ones. There’s comfort in retelling the stories, in passing the memories, love and laughter on to the younger ones. You still live in their hearts too. One more step. Just keep moving forward. New life, new me? No, same life, same me, just different. Feels different, looks different, one more step. 1,460 days. That’s a lot of days.
I find myself in a place I never imagined I’d be in. I feel like I’m starting over and continuing on at the same time. One more step. I’m discovering strength I never knew I had. I’m finding confidence I know I never had. I’m moving forward, one step at a time.
I am so blessed. Blessed to have had 12,410 days married to you. Blessed to have our two children to push me forward, one step at a time. Blessed to have our three grand kids to show me how much the future has in store for me. Blessed to have loved so deeply and to have been loved equally deeply, and feeling that love every day, even now. One more step. 1,460 days. That’s a lot of days.